The Schemer, The Flames, and The Wardrobe
by LeCartelXIII
Summary: [Crack!fic] For every company, group, team, or secret society a uniform is usually required. Organization XIII is no different. However, it's getting everyone to agree on a design and choosing the poor chap that has to make them.


**AN:** This derived from a late-night AIM crack session in which Wicked Child and Caliborn mused over who could've possibly been the seamstress for the Organization's outfits. We threw dialogue back and forth and somehow this fic was born. We hope it amuses you all half as much as we managed to amuse ourselves!

**Warnings:** Abuse of catchphrases, character bastardization, and general crack. Also bad language. Lots of it. Poor Demyx.

**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square Enix, Disney, and possibly others that do not include the people that purchased the actual game. We are not making any profit from this fiction.

**The Schemer, The Flames and The Wardrobe**  
by Caliborn & Wicked Child

There comes a time in every evil organization's existence that they come together for more than their silly plots of destruction or domination and decide something as a unit without dissention in the ranks. One such time happened to Organization XIII not long after the last member was acquired.

Xemnas had called a conference with all the organization members under most mysterious circumstances. They each received a note that said: _Come to the meeting room immediately. There is much to discuss. BYOB_.

One by one they arrived and took their accustomed seats. No one seemed to have any idea of why they had been gathered there, save Marluxia, who perched on the edge of his chair and tapped his fingers with all the jittery impatience of a young girl struggling to a keep a secret. Xemnas looked aloof and distracted as he normally did, gazing thoughtfully at the wide expanse of sky outside the window. Once the last member had arrived and seated himself, the reason for the meeting was revealed.

Shock was the most common reaction. Disbelief was thrown in there as well.

For this meeting had been called to discuss Marluxia's idea—demand, rather—that all the members of Organization XIII have matching outfits.

"It'll feel like more of a family that way!" Marluxia explained grandly.

Lexaeus stared. His look stated quite clearly that he simply could not _believe _the idiocy of his pink-haired friend. "We're not a family. We're a group of villains whose only link happens to be our joint wish to destroy worlds and gather hearts for our own fiendish purposes."

Marluxia waved his hand as if swatting away bugs from his precious flowers. "Whatever. It'll be homier. And so much more fashionable!"

"Is this seriously the reason for this meeting?" Vexen was supremely irritated from being called away from his super-important work.

"If so, I'm leaving. I could be watching paint peel." Saix leaned back in his chair and prepared to tune out all that was around him.

Others chorused their unhappiness. Leaving seemed to be the general consensus and the group rose as one and turned to leave.

"You just don't appreciate my genius!" Marluxia sniffed at their backs, raising his chin. "I'm _so _betraying you all."

Roxas, the last in line for the exit, paused and turned back. "Wait, what was that?"

"Nothing. Just some foreshadowing." Marluxia clapped his hands together smoothly and summoned dusks to block the door. Several complaints issued forth at this, which Marluxia overrode easily. "So, we're all going to wear matching costumes from now on. No discussion."

"_What?_"

"Xemnas agreed." Marluxia was practically _preening._

Xigbar's face fell as he turned to Xemnas for confirmation. "Oh, Superior, say it ain't so."

"I had to." Xemnas shrugged in that graceful way of his, gazing forlornly at the window. "Marluxia wouldn't shut up about it. He kept interrupting my private time with my picture of Kingdom Hearts."

"..."

"..."

Blinking at the silence, Xemnas turned back to the group at large. "...Did I say that last part out loud?"

"Yes, you did." Saix rubbed the bridge of his nose with a very pained expression.

Axel couldn't stop a snort of amusement.

Xemnas waved his hand uncaringly. "Strike that from the record."

Demyx blinked. "We have a record?"

Ignoring Demyx, as was often done, Xemnas took control of the meeting again. He gestured everyone back into their seats, which they took again grudgingly. "Understand, Marluxia had a point in his fruitcake ramblings. We _should_ have some sort of unified look that says to the world: 'Look. We're bad guys. Grrr.' "

Luxord glanced at Larexene, muttering, "He's serious, isn't he?"

"Looks like it."

More mumbles from the others. "Matching outfits? What the hell are we, Broadway dancers?"

"I like my threads, man!"

Axel stared. Under the grumblings of his fellow organization members he demanded of his Superior, "Grrr?"

"Yes." Xemnas nodded behind steepled fingers. "Grrr! I've heard that bad guys go 'grrr' in the night."

This was too perfect. " ... Been reading Pooh again?"

"Was it that obvious?"

"Only if you're T-I-DOUBLE GUH-ER." At Xemnas' blank look he added helpfully, "Got it memorized?"

Number I's eyes darkened in return and his fist came down hard on his desk, the movement acting like a gavel at court to return everyone's attention to the matter at hand. "Ahem! Look, we all could use an update on fashion. Personally these scientist robes just aren't _doing _it for me anymore. I need something darker, something that doesn't contrast with my delicate complexion so much. I'm thinking... Black."

Xaldin resisted the urge to have head meet desk. "Oh _that's_ a unique color for a bad guy."

For the first time during the meeting, the normally apathetic number XIII spoke up. "Why do we want to point out that we're bad guys? I mean we're all about secrecy and subterfuge, right? Why would we want outfits that would make us stick out like such suspicious--"

Larexene rolled her eyes, putting a hand on the poor boy's shoulder. "No, no, Roxas. You're using _logic _. You need to stop that right now if you're going to make it in this organization."

"Didn't anyone tell you?" Zexion added dryly.

Xigbar leaned back, lacing his fingers together behind his head. "So, like, who's going to make the uniforms? Larexene?"

"What is this, a sexist organization!" Larexene bristled to the point her antenna bangs stood straight up. "I'm the only female here so it's automatically assumed I have to do the sewing?"

"Oh dear Kingdom no," Axel answered seriously. "If we were looking for someone _feminine_ we'd look at Marluxia."

"Humph!" Marluxia straightened his shoulders and jerked his head away, indignant. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

"Pretend all you want. You're still the girliest."

"I don't understand why we need to spell out that we're the bad guys," Roxas exclaimed, irritated at not having his question answered before.

Luxord shrugged, fiddling with his collar absently. "We're the bad guys. It's what we do. We monologue and forget to kill the hero quickly, and we announce to the world that we're oh-so-terrible."

"That's... retarded."

"Blame our predecessors." Luxord gave an uncaring shrug.

"Guys? Hello!" Marluxia clapped his hand again, struggling to keep everyone on topic. "So we're going to do this, right? I mean, I think it _will_ really bring us together. United we stand!"

"Do we have a choice?"

There was a brief silence in which Xaldin awaited an answer, broken only by a soft crooning from the head chair.

"My Kingdom Heaaaaaarts…"

This was followed by several seconds of more silence, only now with the uncomfortable atmosphere of having just walked in on someone in the shower.

Finally, Saix cleared his throat. "Boss. Come back to the conversation, please. Do we have a choice?"

The Superior's head jerked up. "Huh? What? Choice...? No! We're doing this. It'll shut him up, don't you see?" Xemnas reached out to gently caress a much worn picture that sat in a frame on his desk. Although the frame faced away from all of them, not a one of the members had a doubt of what it contained.

The silence returned for an encore.

This time it was interrupted by the growling of Xaldin's sideburns, most commonly referred to as Bert and Ernie. "_Fine._ What the hell is this costume supposed to look like?"

Marluxia perked up instantly. He sprang up from his chair, spreading his arms and gesturing excitedly with all the enthusiasm of a ballerina being given her fist solo performance onstage. "It'll be so _gorgeous_! There will be flower embroidery around the hem and pink sakura petals and--"

"Oh, God, make it stop." Vexen slapped a hand to his head.

Luxord raised his hand. "I vote that Marluxia stays the _bloody hell away_ from costume design."

"Seconded," Vexen added quickly.

Pouting, the pink-haired man dropped his arms back to his sides as the performance was ruined. "...Oh poo."

"Lex, you make the outfits."

The big man jerked up with a startled look. "Jigga what?"

"Lex can sew?" Axel asked, raising both eyebrows curiously above a grin.

Xigbar was still leaning back, the front two legs of his chair lifted entirely off the floor, his expression thoughtful. "Make Roxas do it," He announced, nodding. "He's youngest." Besides, putting the squirt in charge of costume design was probably the safest way to avoid frills and flowers.

The response from number XIII was swift. "No."

Xigbar hit the ground with a thump. "You can't say no!"

Vexen studied his elder with a bored gaze. "Look, his Other is a pansy who probably sews all the time. Roxas would, most likely, try to thread a needle and end up stabbing his eye."

"...That's true," Xigbar acceded thoughtfully.

"Alright, fine." Xemnas made a slashing gesture. "Remove Roxas from the list of possibilities."

"...I'm not sure whether to be grateful or insulted."

Perking up, the blonde musician leaned forward in his seat. "I have an idea!"

"Be quiet, Demyx."

"But..."

"I vote for Zexy," Axel announced proudly over Demyx's pouting.

"..."

With a truly wicked grin, the red head explained, "He seems like he'd be experienced with handling tiny instruments."

"Oh fuck you, Axel."

"Dude, we never actually figured out what Zexy's weapon was, did we?"

'Zexy' bristled. "Don't call me that."

"So it's a sewing machine?" Axel's grin grew, ignoring Zexion's growing irritation. "No wonder! He's too ashamed to tell anyone!"

"Fuck you."

"Sorry, I only do chicks."

"Then why are you always only with Roxas?"

There was a moment of pause as the other members processed this information.

"Shit! That means Sora's a girl?"

"Then that Kairi chick is a lesbo!"

"Sweet," Xigbar enthused, "I love yuri!"

Axel rolled his eyes and stated firmly, "Always only with Roxas because he's the only fucking straight one of the lot of you."

"HAH!"

"No, Larexene, I was including you in that statement."

Static jumped around Larexene's bangs as she glared.

"Excuse me," Xemnas began indignantly, his question addressed to the whole room, "but do I look gay to you?"

Silence was giving a smash performance this evening. Then, "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Axel laughed. "Boss, you keep bitching about Kingdom Hearts." Then, slowly spelling it out because it _always _needed to be spelled out to this group of nitwits, "Pansy. P-A-N-S-Y. Got it memorized?"

Xemnas hissed. "Dattebayo to you too, Fucker."

The glaring contest that ensued was rather drawn out and no one either noticed or cared that Demyx found some chips of the lead paint variety to occupy his time. Surprisingly it was Zexion who brought the issue back to the forefront and to a close. He had more dark plotting to do, but he mainly wanted to end this because the store was closing soon and he was almost out of hair gel. This was probably because most of it had been stolen by one cheapskate red-headed ass.

Zexion peered at Axel from beneath his bangs. Bitch was going down. "So let's have a vote."

"Huh?" Demyx looked up guiltily, licking a paint chip from his bottom lip.

"I say we do this in order. Everyone in favor of sticking Axel with costume design and production, say aye."

Xemnas smirked, leaning back and clasping his hands serenely before him. "Aye." The word fell like the sound of doom crashing to the floor. Well the author isn't sure quite what doom crashing to the floor would sound like, but for all intents and purposes it sounded like Xemnas' smugly delivered "aye."

"Sucks to be you, man! Aye."

"Aye."

"Aye."

"Aye."

Saix smirked. "Aye."

"... Oh _fuck_ you Zexion!"

"You what? I? Huh?"

"Splendid idea. Aye."

"Aye, aye!"

"Aye. Fucker."

"Aye."

For a moment Axel was stunned by the last vote. "_E tu_ Roxas?"

"Better you than me." Roxas's cold logic was most definitely misplaced in this organization. Shrugging, Roxas then turned his attention to his keyblade, which was in desperate need of a shine.

"Well fine then. Fuck all y'all!" To accentuate his point, Axel threw up the one fingered salute on both hands. The members mostly ignored him as they rose from their seats and prepared to leave.

"I thought you only did girls." Zexion grinned maliciously. "Have fun in the sewing room."

"Sew! Sew like the wind." Laughing, Xaldin walked away.

"Ain't that _your_ element, you blowhard?"

Horrified, Demyx exclaimed, "I can't believe you let him suck you!"

"...Go to hell."

"Going to get lunch elsewhere, actually." Xemnas stood and looked sternly at VIII. "Make sure you're done by tomorrow."

"That's it. You're all getting uncomfortable, tight, bad-for-any-weather _black_ leather ALL OVER even though I'm the only one skinny enough to pull it off. Just think of the chaffing! Even you, Roxas."

"Whatever." Roxas shrugged carelessly, not seeming too worried that he was leaving his best friend behind in sewing hell. "I'll just wear normal clothes for most of the game."

"_Dammit!_ Why must you be such a pain in the ass, Roxas?"

Opening the door to the parlor, Zexion couldn't help but get one last jab in. "There you go again Axel. Proving you're G-A-Y." He paused deliberately, then added, "Got it _memorized_?"

"I await your silent death, Zexion." There was a dark fire in those words.

"Wait all you want, Fucker. I get saved by a thing called plot device."

The door slammed shut and left the poor Flurry of Dancing Flames in darkness.

Axel growled at nothing in particular. "_Heavy_ black leather," He threatened the air, turning away and summoning a portal to the sewing room. "And only I get silk lining."

* * *

**AN-2:**

**Caliborn:** Yeah. Not sure where this came from except that the Organization, despite having such a serious backstory is just material for so much _crack. _And this should totally not be taken seriously even if I personally believe it's how the org got their black coats. Sincerely apologize for poor Demyx's characterization. And well... everyone's characterization. We love them all dearly but it's so much more fun to stereotype them.

**Wicked Child:** If anything is funny, I created it. If anything is unfunny, Caliborn made it. No freals, this is the product of two girls who stay up far too late and overdose on Kingdom Hearts (a feat for one such as myself who has not played the game). Zexion's comment at the end about a plot device is…well, we just don't believe he died in COM. Denial? Perhaps. But we're happy in it dammit. Also be forewarned that we do have more. A lot more where this came from. Take that as you will.

Oh, Xemnas's little "Dattebayo" line up there is a slightly inside joke. If you don't know, 'dattebayo' is something from the anime/manga Naruto, a phrase which Naruto adds onto the end of just about every sentence. (The English dub equivalent, if you've only heard that, is "Believe it!") We've decided that anytime a character like Axel has a catchphrase like he does, it becomes the "dattebayo" of the fandom. Got it memorized dattebayo?


End file.
